The ideology of the Rom Com; manage your expectations

     Hollywood through the hegemony of digital media delivers the fantastical ideology of the Romantic Comedy.  These movies deliver, often to hilarious affect, the situations of couples as they progress through a relationship.  I enjoy a great deal of these movies and can be found laughing uncontrollably, with my wife, at some of the ridiculous situations that these movie couples struggle through.  This genre provides a great deal of entertainment and joy, and as a side note, is one of my favorite movie genres right behind almost anything with zombies.  However, there is a concern with these types of movies and particularly so for younger unmarried viewers which they should be aware of.  What dangers say you?  To which I respond with another question, do these types of movies build up unrealistic fantasy beliefs about relationship conquest, weddings, and what marriage is?  

Pay attention as this IS a test, and although you can’t see or hear it, I’m stomping my foot on the floor and yelling yes they do.

Come sit down with Uncle Ron and let’s talk about it, or rather you read about it and see what you think. 

Warning, since I am a guy this blog is written from the viewpoint of a heterosexual guy, but I think the information is universal to the sexes.

     My friends let’s start with what Ideology is.  Ideology, in the world according to Uncle Ron and since you’re reading my blog YOU ARE in my world buwhahahahaha, is when people mistake the odd for the norm.  

In other words when we take an odd ball situation/success for an everyday Joe’s reality and attribute that to being the norm.  Ideology has three parts: it appears to be natural, historical or a product of evolution, and eternal (seemingly forever).  People tend to internalize Rom Com situations as normal because they do appear natural, they recur through time or generations, and these hard-won romances seem to last forever.  This is where the danger begins, and as my good friend Austin Powers said, “Danger is my middle name.” 

     

What’s wrong with this Rom Com ideology?  My friends, it’s definitely ok to laugh and enjoy this film genre, and I’m not trying to dissuade you from watching them, but a person does need to watch them with a “grain of salt” so to speak.  

I think most of us realize these Rom Coms are pretty fantastical, but we must get into Pop culture and cultivation theory a bit here.  Popular culture is the consumable and disposable ideas, fashions, fads, tastes, music of the day.  Pop culture is a means of engaging in everyday life; it’s how we interact with the world.  This is where cultivation theory comes in, which generally focuses on the cumulative influence of consuming media.  In other words what we consume in the way of media influences, over time, our thoughts and beliefs.  These thoughts and beliefs affect our views on violence, fashion, what beauty is, what’s acceptable and what’s not, along with how relationships are “supposed” to be.

     Why this genre can be harmful.  One fantastical Rom Com situation involves the classic “underdog story.” We as U.S. Americans typically love a good underdog story, and in relation to my blog’s topic, we love to see the guy get the girl that is way out of his league.   This underdog story is evident in the movie Hitch in which the “date doctor” played by Will Smith says that any man has the chance to sweep any woman off her feet.  

While it’s true that any guy has the chance to sweep any woman off her feet, the odds are not in the average Joe’s favor when trying to get the girl way out of his league.  

In the movie Hitch, Albert, played by Kevin James, a mild mannered financial adviser tries to win the heart of an heiress of epic proportions.  She is beautiful, sexy, and rich while Albert is dumpy, clumsy, has terrible dance moves like mine, and is nowhere near as affluent as she is.  Predictably he gets the girl, but this is not what the average man should expect.  There are a couple of sayings that relate to this a bit namely “opposites attract.”  Come on, you know the good girl/bad boy thing.  This is where ideology comes in being that some “bad boys” end up with “good girls,” but this is not the norm and certainly is not for sustained relationships.  Although a fling here and there does occur, more typically the saying “birds of a feather flock together” is more of a reality.  Typically, people of the same type beauty level, social status, education level, etc. tend to become couples as they have more in common which is important to sustained relationships.  It’s just that people should not go into relationship conquest mode with the expectation that they’ll be successful shooting way higher than they should.  

What’s important here is the word “expectation.”  I learned a long time ago to ask for what I want and let somebody else say no.  In other words, by all means shoot for the stars in whom you’d like to start a relationship with just don’t EXPECT success in this particular underdog way.  It’s just unrealistic expectation that we’re talking about here and in the case of Hitch with the character of Albert, the odds are after starting to date they likely wouldn’t have much in common to go much past the first date.

Lets take a look at some relationship myths: Expectations vs. reality as written by Rani St. Pucchi a relationship expert: Relationship Myths: Expectations vs. Reality

     Let’s get into arguments now and the expectations of them portrayed in Rom Coms.  I’m going to shock you here with a statement, if you’re in a real relationship you will fight.  The idea portrayed in some Rom Coms is that couples are always sweet, gentle, and always get along.  That is the most fantastical fantasy of all.  Ladies and Gents if you’re in a real relationship you will fight so don’t get your feelings crushed when your expectation of relationship bliss hits some rough spots.  

In Rom Coms couples do get into fights, but nearly always overcome and end up getting married.  Check out this one from the movie Just Friends.  

The idea in the Rom Com genre being that couples always over come and get back together, but again this is not reality.  Sorry to say it folks but some fights end relationships.  However, with that said, normally relationships end over a variety of issues rather than a single argument.   At least one Rom Com depicts this reality, the break up.    

Sadly for the couple in this movie things don’t work out.

     Another unrealistic situation portrayed by many Rom Coms is the fairy tale wedding.  Before we even get there the predictability of the Rom Com is, well, unparalleled.  The predictive outcome, or end goal, is the wedding.   I think you’ll find out my friends, if you haven’t already, that most relationships you’re involved in won’t make it to the alter even if you want it to.  In society many people talk about finding the “one”, but in reality there are many “ones” that will fit nicely into that category.  In other words there is more than one “the one” out there for each of us.  Most people will go through several “the ones” before finding the actual “one.”  There are lots of Princesses and Knights in shining armor out there. Therefore don’t expect, there’s that word again, to be hit in the head with a silver sledge hammer or shot in the butt by Cupid when you meet someone to be able to tell who “the one” is.  

Now back to weddings.  In the Rom Com couples struggle through a myriad of situations to arrive at the end state of a wedding.  Fine, ok their getting married, but have you noticed how extravagant most of those movie weddings tend to be?  Most Rom Com movies portray weddings that would in reality cost 10’s of thousands of dollars not to mention how fantastical they are.  Check out some of these movie weddings:  

With most of these weddings, unless you come from money, the average person won’t be able to afford them.  Maybe Mom and Dad can afford it, and maybe not.  If they can’t pay for it are you willing to start your life together in debt?  The cost of the average wedding these day is $26,444 according to costofwedding.com. Average wedding costs.

Keep in mind that the figures on this website are averages and likely won’t have the extravagances of Hollywood. 

 Oh let’s talk about that big fat diamond engagement ring too. 

Here’s a website that gives some costs of engagement rings; good luck fellas. 

Average engagement ring costs.

Again managing expectations here, the average young Joe won’t be able to manage thousands for a ring much less the 10’s of thousands for the wedding.  For most people it takes a while, in fact a good long while, to accumulate the ability to buy some of the nicer rings displayed on the aforementioned website.  

Ladies, most younger fellas won’t be able to manage that much for a ring so again don’t expect that Hollywood diamond ring.  

Furthermore, have you ever noticed that most Rom Coms end at the promise of a wedding, or the wedding itself and never get into the reality of what married life is really like?  As a younger man it was relayed to me that 90% of my happiness or hell would come from this one decision on a partner to marry. 

Marriage is work, hard work at times.  The reality of married life is not the fantasy everybody is blissful always.  As mentioned in the arguments discussion above, if in a “real” relationship you will fight.  I’ve heard it said before that love does not sustain marriage, but rather marriage was created to sustain love.  

You’ll find that in a serious relationship, or marriage, that at times you won’t even like your partner.  That’s right, you won’t even like them much less love them.  I think you’ll also find that the majority of your time is mundane or rather boring than filled with constant Hollywood excitement.  However, if the relationship was built properly then the commitment is strong and the relationship will survive and later thrive by overcoming obstacles together.  Just in case you're thinking Uncle Ron may be a bit off his rocker, see what Colleen Barrett has to say about it: 25 Lies Movies Tell Us About Weddings

Expectations and the real world disappointments associated with those expectations is how this particular genre of films can be harmful to younger unmarried viewers.  Again, my wife and I find this genre of films hilarious but you must view them with the knowledge that most of the situations portrayed are not real or rather how real relationships will work.  Enjoy those Rom Coms, laugh and have fun, just manage your expectations.

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