Intent verss Impact

This tweet is appalling. I took the liberty of taking the “c-word” out from the photo because I find it absolutely vile to refer to a girl, who was only ten years old at the time, in such a manner. Here’s the deal: I don’t care if the intent was satire because the impact was degrading her and that is not okay.

 

Merriam-Webster defines intent as: the thing that you plan to do or achieve : an aim or purpose

and it defines impact as : to have a strong and often bad effect on (something or someone)

or to hit (something) with great force

 

     What I want to explore is: how do we soften the inevitable impact of our words or actions when our original intentions are good but someone else is hurt in the process?

 

I have noticed many people in our country are quick to exclaim that we have “freedom of speech” but the truth is while you can feel free to offend others with your freedom of speech, you cannot use these three words as a crutch to degrade others.  For example, saying something like “you’re not cute without makeup” is offensive but it does not degrade a person because they can still be recognized as an intelligent being. Contrarily, words that have a history of oppression and reduce someone from being a human being to an object, like I would argue the “c-word” does, are degrading and therefore unacceptable.

 

Jennifer Harvey wrote an article on this tweet, which you can check out here, which describes the difference of intent and impact. She states that unfortunately, those who are privileged usually confuse the two or are unable to separate the different meanings.

 

The three steps of intent versus impact (as according to Harvey):

1. incident happens;
2. people of color cry foul and describe in painful, often eloquent, detail the effects of incident;
3. white people respond, often defensive, insisting that motives were pure (or at least can’t be proven malicious).

 

I find the author of The Onion calling her this word a travesty because it plays on the stereotypes that women are only as useful as their reproductive organs, and therefore should be subservient to men, and the hypersexualization of black women, even though I should mention again, SHE’S 10. And god forbid she become upset with such words being said about her because then all of sudden she’d be accused of the angry black women stereotype. The person who loses no matter what in this situation is Wallis and that is why this kind of hate speech is unacceptable.

 

It was eye opening for me when Harvey states “Now imagine what it would be like to have a severe burn and be yelling that you need to get to the hospital, only to be met with the numb response, “But it was an accident, so surely you can’t be burned as badly as you think.”

 

So often we are in situations where we do not understand the impact we have made on someone else, due to their past experiences, so we defend our character as if that should right our wrongful words and actions. The truth is you can have the bestintentions in the world and still hurt someone. In fact, as George Bernard Shaw said,

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

This is why we need to take what Tony Robbins said in account, which was, “To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.”

 

I have learned the single most important communication skill is listening. It is impossible to understand the impact of what others have gone through in their lives if you refuse to listen because you believe all realities are the same or at least very similar.

 

For example, I have been notorious for dating people of color, which even though it’s 2016 people still seemed to be surprised at, but I have seen how people who don’t know we are together try to protect me from my partner as if just their presence is imminent to harming me. I have learned from these experiences that our realities are very different. This is why I don’t agree when people say we should treat everyone equal because this denies that these varying realities exist. The illustration below is my favorite visualization of what I am trying to explain.

 

 

So what is the solution? We need to make an effort to stop making the conversation about ourselves by stating things like “well I didn’t mean it that way” and rather put the spotlight on the one who is hurting by clarifying what was it that they found so offensive and why so that this can be avoided in the future.

 

I found this YouTube video in an article I was reading and found it very helpful in deciphering the “what they did” and “who they are” conversations, especially when treading water like this video deals with which is “How To Tell Someone They Sound Racist.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0Ti-gkJiXc

 

Following this theme, I enjoyed Richard Magid’s article concerning intent versus impact because he breaks intent versus impact down to just a few main points:

“Good Communication”: INTENT = IMPACT!

·         When the communication is “good”, the intent of the person who delivers the message is the same as the impact it has on the listener. Mutual understanding of the message is confirmed; the listener summarizes back what they have heard and the speaker confirms the accuracy or provides further clarification.

There are however challenges because:

·         Challenge One: Every message must first pass through the filter of the speaker’s clarity of expression and then through the listener’s ability to hear what is said.
(Opportunity #1 for Intent not to equal Impact)

·         Challenge Two: We don’t actually know the intentions of the people we communicate with; often times we assume/judge their intentions based on their actions which may cause their words to impact us unfavorably.
(Opportunity #2 for Intent not to equal Impact)

·         Challenge Three: Good intentions do not sanitize bad impact.
(“Good Communication” - INTENT must = IMPACT)

 

I think a main challenge in our society is being too proud to apologize. A lack of humbleness leads to misconceptions about the advantages and disadvantages that any group may face. The truth is, a good apology would actually solve a lot of problems we face. By “good” I mean sincerely apologizing, not just sounding like you’re apologizing when you’re really just getting another jab in at the one who you have hurt (emotionally or otherwise). For example, saying, “Well I’m sorry you stepped on my skateboard and fell” is not a real apology. However, “I am very sorry you fell, I take full responsibility for leaving my skateboard in a place that caught you off guard” is. In this example your intent was not to hurt the person who fell and yet your actions cause them pain and you should take responsibility for that. And in the case of The Onion, they need to not come up with excuses but rather offer up a real apology for stepping, or rather leaping, over the line.